Networking Tips for Dummies

Since Biznik is a business networking site, and everyone here is interested in networking with other networking individuals, it seemed appropriate to write an article about the do’s and don’t of networking, to increase our chances of building successful relationships that will grow into a prosperous future for all of us.

TIP #1: Don’t pee yourself

Networking is an exciting and adventurous opportunity to meet fascinating new people. Sometimes the excitement can get a little overwhelming. Just be sure to contain yourself. But in case you simply cannot, please listen closely. Leave for the front door immediately. Say “I’ll be right back!” But then, simply don’t come back. If they didn’t notice anything, they’ll all wonder where you went. It will even add an air of mystery to your sudden disappearance, you’ll be the star of the show! Like Orson Wells in “The Third Man” everyone will be talking about you, but no one will have seen you for quite some time.

TIP #2: Avoid Using Racial Slurs

I don’t know what it is you have against the Irish, always calling them “Potato Eaters” and such. I happen to love Potatoes, and my wife is half Irish. You jerk. And that doesn’t mean she’s related to Bono either. So what’s the deal? Why are you so racist?

Regardless, this is where we discuss that certain phrases and topics are considered to be more appropriate for “at home talk.” Think of this way, is it something you’d say to your grandmother (assuming that she is not extremely racist.) If you can’t say it to your grandmother, don’t say it to a fellow networking associate. It’s a good rule to follow.

Now that doesn’t mean you should limit your conversation to things you would only say to your grandmother. I’m not quite sure how many people would get your “Uncle Frankie’s Talking Pillow” references or discussions about why they canceled Bonanza, it just means you need to keep it PG, maybe PG-13, depending on how close you are to major urban areas.

TIP #3: Stop whining about the lousy economy

Yeah, we know. The economy is horrible. I see it on the news at least fifty times a day. CNN, MSNBC, even FOX. It’s like disaster Christmas to them... 24 hour economic crisis alerts, with footage of stock exchange traders with their face buried in their hands, sandwiched between stories about an unknown man that runs around naked and leaves his butt prints in public places, probably due to the economic situation. The point is, WE KNOW ALREADY! And the reason why we’re attending our networking sessions in the first place is to overcome little obstacles such as the complete and total meltdown of the world’s financial systems. By constantly being the bearer of bad news, no one will like you. “Every party needs a pooper and that’s why we invited you, party pooper!” Is what they’ll say about you behind your back. And we’ve already discussed that peeing is inappropriate, so the same certainly goes for pooping!

TIP #4: Avoid referring to yourself in the third person

I’m not sure why people do this. And it very rarely ever happens. So let’s make sure it never happens again, because it always ends up like this. Some guy wanders into your group, and introduces himself as “Bob Jones.” “Hi Bob!” You’ll all say. Eventually, somebody in the group will as if Bob wants a drink, and he’ll say “Bob Jones would certainly want a drink! An Old-Fashioned if you would, please?” And that’s when the awkward pause happens. Partially because most people wouldn’t realize that an Old-Fashioned is a kind of cocktail. But mostly because everyone will be trying to remember the name he introduced himself with, unless he has a name tag, and they never do. And then, usually the asking of the question prompts Bob into a conversation about his work, “Bob Jones works in accounting services and so far Bob Jones is satisfied...” as he rambles on and on, confusing everyone within hearing distance, especially since those that like to refer to themselves in the third person tend to have grating booming anchovy voices like most seasoned politicians. As time passes, some in the group will gaze around the room, hoping he is in fact referring to another Bob Jones somewhere in the vicinity. Others will just stare in awe, eyes glazed over like Krispy Kremes. And before you know it, everyone has wasted a half hour, because when someone refers to themselves in the third person, no communication conducted will be retained by anyone.


TIP #5: If you’re there simply there to hook up with someone for the evening, don’t make it that obvious

Really. Stop staring so intensely. It’s creepy. Even to the people that aren’t getting stared at. They all see you, all quiet, gaze fixated on one person, usually after that critical third drink. Especially guys... who tend to eye their potential prize up and down with the momentum of a bungee cord. My advice, don’t try so hard, just be yourself, and not that sad, desperate, I-want-them-to-like-me self.

And should you actually hook one, before you head back to the love pad, be sure the excitement you two will share will outweigh the awkward encounter you’ll both have three weeks later at another event. “Oh, Hi Cindy... didn’t think I’d see you here...” (nervous sweat breaks out).

Those are my tips for a successful networking experience.


DISCUSSION QUESTIONS

1) Why was Bonanza canceled?

2) The footage of the stockbroker weeping with head in hands. Is it actually from today’s session or are they just recycling the same footage from the ‘87 crash? And if they did, would any of us really notice?

3) What are you doing after the event? I’ve got a bottle of Casa Lapostolle Clos Apalta Colchagua Valley 2005 vintage back at my place, assuming I don’t pee myself first.

(Please Note: Author is happily married, so there will be no going over to his place with a bottle of Casa Lapostolle Clos Apalta Colchagua Valley. But feel free to send over a bottle as a gift for the two of them.)

Recession: Or Why It's a Great Time to be a Small Fry

As you may have heard, Wall Street has been officially hit by a comet, and the old dinosaurs are dying out. Actually, the comet struck years ago... it just takes a while for the food supply to drain.

Is it spooky? Yes. Has the condition the middle class person really changed over the the last thirty years? Sort of. We have more credit and cheaper technology. But we're just as vulnerable, if not more so. Ask anybody that lost their home. Times are tough, but aren't they always in some degree? Just remember, the dinosaurs died of and the small fuzzy mammals thrived. In an economic sense, that's about to happen.

You can see it in society. People are getting nice prices at Walmart, but missing the human interaction and service. After all, that greeter only goes so far. People are looking for that local shop again. Of course, it's the future so you'll have to be smarter about the whole ordeal... but for small businesses, your time is now. Why? Here's a short list of reasons.

1. You can make decisions on your feet, and not have to go through a committee. (Believe me, that's a big advantage over the corporate dinosaurs.)
2. Technology and the internet has now officially leveled the playing field on all fronts. You can get the information you need to survive.
3. There's enough small local businesses like you that could use another small local business to help support them in some form or another.

And finally, let's say you've been laid off by a large giant corporate dinosaur going under. Do you think you could actually trust another one to provide for you and your family? Studies show less and less feel that way, and would rather take the risk of starting their own company than being let go. At least fate in in your hands.

This is 19th century economics with a 21st century spin. Chris Anderson of Wired said so. My old art teacher Steve Sherell said so, too. Actually, most people in the know say it. The 20th century was a necessary fluke to the economic climate of today. And the news reports that small businesses will triple in the next three years.

So, from one small business person to another, let me know when you're ready to draw up some great advertising. Let's embrace the new economy together.